Sun, 11/15/2009 - 00:48
One miraculous goal within a moment of the game’s beginning, followed by another miraculous goal within a moment of the game’s ending – a coincidence?
“No!” says Sheikh Shawerma, a renowned authority on the science of halal meat as well as holy sports such as archery and home-made explosives. “This is evidence that Allah did in fact hear our prayers,” he affirmed.
Indeed, how could God not have heard? With a nation-wide campaign that included giant billboards and radio commercials encouraging citizens to pray for victory, the Arabic phrase ya rab, or Oh God! (to be read in a pleading, non-love-making tone) was virtually on all 80 million Egyptian tongues for the past several days.
“We just could not compete with that,” said the defeated Algerian team’s football coach. “There are only 35 million people in Algeria wallah – we just could not get enough prayers in to outweigh the Egyptian ones unfortunately.”
Indeed, the finding that intensity of prayer, rather than skill or effort, is the determining factor of sporting results makes logical sense. Sheikh Shawerma explains: “Why do you think Brazil is so good at football? They have over 190 million people! And America, yes they are not very good, but that is because its 300 million are too busy praying about baseball and basketball! And as for China and India with their billions, well, we all know they are praying to the wrong source, may Allah have mercy on them.”
Sheikh Shawerma believes that Indonesians (230 million) could do much better at sports, as well as avert many natural disasters, if only they improved their Arabic pronunciation while praying.
Regardless, the new evidence is already changing how many people live their lives. “I’m so glad I don’t have to study anymore,” says Ahmed Ahmed Ahmed, a 23 year old in his last year of thanaweya amma. “Now I understand that it’s just a matter of praying harder for better results this year.”
Government officials have likewise embraced the new evidence with a sigh of relief. “It’s so good to know that the rates of unemployment, poverty and ignorance have nothing to do with our incompetence,” said one ministry figure. “This finally proves that corruption and inefficiency are irrelevant factors – we just needed to employ more people to pray for better living conditions.”
Indeed, even now all Egyptians are praying hard, very hard, for the upcoming rematch in Khartoum. So, at ease Abu Treka and Amr Zaki – you take the next few days off. Egypt’s got you covered. Insha'allah ...