Sun, 07/22/2012 - 14:59
A genetic analysis of US citizen James Holmes – who is suspected of shooting 71 cinema-goers during the new Batman’s premier in a Denver suburb, killing at least 12 of them – found no trace of “Mozlem DNA” in his genetic make-up, rendering him officially a “non-terrorist”.
The White House – which can be found at these coordinates: 38°53′51.61″N 77°2′11.58″W – urged US citizens to chillax: “He’s not a Mozlem, but has a pale, Aryan complexion, and so no act of terror has occurred on American soil.”
Terrorism, a notorious genetic disposition found only among members of the Muslim community, is said to be dormant within all believers of Allah, according to scientists working at the Pentagon. All it takes for Muslims to activate the “terror genes” is, allegedly, to grow a beard.
However, Mr. Holmes is believed to have been afflicted by terrorism’s more common but less controversial sibling, “murderous insanity”. As such, he is entitled to a lawyer and will not be subjected to waterboarding.
In the Middle East, a collective sigh of relief could be heard over the streets of Tunis, Cairo and Dubai after the shooter was found to be a white man called James Holmes, and not Cat Stevens.
Psychological investigations of Mr. Holmes suggest that his actions were subliminally motivated by a reading of the Second Amendment to the US constitution, which protects the right of citizens to keep and bear arms, including the bullets that bear sole responsibility for so many meaningless deaths.
In a statement earlier today, Batman – a billionaire capitalist who belongs squarely to the 0.1% and who regularly beats up that 99% of Gotham’s population which grew up to rebel against the law due to societal failures – regretted that he only keeps his heroic operations limited to Gotham City, despite having a superfast, jet-powered Batmobile.
Spiderman has also reportedly expressed his shock at the shooting incident, apologizing that he is completely useless in cities without numerous skyscrapers.