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Egypt to Nile basin countries: "Submit or we’ll release Giza zoo animals on you."

Sudan, Ethiopia, Tanzania and Uganda terrified.

| Written by makarona

Sun, 05/30/2010 - 12:21

Negotiations over a Nile water-sharing agreement between Egypt and poorer countries further south turned to dispute last week when Egypt threatened to “release the Giza zoo animals on their asses.”

The threat comes amidst fears that countries closer to the source of the Nile may now impede the flow of water to Egypt, which according to government-owned newspapers, may end Egypt’s 7000 year long historical right “to leave taps running simply because we can.”

Tarek Tanteet, head of the Egyptian delegation currently in Ethiopia, stated, “We have spent the last 20 years trying to use Nile water to remove dust from Egypt’s desert floor – I won’t allow a bunch of negr… I mean African-Americans, to get in the way of that.” The dust, also known as “sand,” has proven difficult to remove due it is unique absorptive abilities.

If released, the Giza zoo animals, known for constituting the world’s largest collection of underfed and mentally deranged mammals and reptiles, would wreak havoc on savannah wildlife in Uganda and Tanzania, severely disrupting safari and bestiality-based tourism.

Giza zoo keeper Hafez al-Assad said, “Even though Magdy the lion is blind and incapable of having erections, his smell is so foul he would effectively empty out whatever habitat our government released him in.”

Earlier today, the zoo’s professional animal language translator quoted Magdy the lion saying, “Rrrrwar” – a clear indication that the feline mammal is ready to engage in “war,” he says.

Other possible translations of Magdy’s growl include “leave me alone,” as the lion at the time was undergoing an intensive therapy session aimed at mending his impotence.

However, despite terror gripping Nile basin countries at the prospect of Magdy and other primates infiltrating their habitats, some Sub-Saharan dissidents are claiming that this is yet another example of white, or at least light-brown, supremacy beliefs.

To this, Tanteet repsonds, “That’s a bunch of nonsense. I grew up with a Nubian butler and we were the best of friends until my father sold him.” Tanteet and others insist that it is not Egyptians that are reckless with water, but “darker Africans.”

“Our Nubian butler used to use water for everything, everything” says Tanteet, “to clean the floor, wash the dishes, water the plants, even to clean his hands.”


 

Fearing for Egypt’s future water supply, EKT will begin implementing in its office toilets the policy of “if it’s brown or yellow, let it mellow.” Green and other out of the ordinary colours, however, will continue to be flushed.

forsoothsayer

Sun, 05/30/2010 - 14:28

lol @ hafez el asad :) that was the best bit.

Concerned Expatriate

Sun, 05/30/2010 - 21:54

With the price of meat today, I do not think it's a good idea to release the Zoo animals on those wretched countries because Egyptians will slaughter the animals for their flesh before they have a chance to cross the border.
Furthermore, the underfed, impotent and toothless animals have been subjected to much abuse to be able to attack anything in their poor condition as mentioned to me by a wise chimpanzee called Nassnoos who was reading two books — the Koran and Darwin’s Origin of Species. In surprise I asked “Why are you reading both those books”? “Well,I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
As a concerned expatriate the best way to retaliate is to ask all Upper Egyptians to squat and shit along the Nile and pump back the water to its source countries.

Sea_Snake

Wed, 06/02/2010 - 14:06

Makarona, you really made me laugh! I've been waiting for your article for a while!

Anon

Mon, 06/07/2010 - 07:54

That’s a bunch of nonsense

We do not call black people "niggers" here in egypt, nor do we call them african-americans either

we never had "colored" bus seats or waiting rooms
just because the west suffers racism issues, doesn't mean everyone else does

Concerned Expatriate

Tue, 06/08/2010 - 03:01

The zoo animals should be kept protected in their cages in view of the meat prices in Egypt they will be killed and eaten before making it to the border.

Doode

Fri, 06/18/2010 - 15:01

@Concerned Expatriate: I'm sorry but you weren't funny but rather offensive...yes, you might find that hard to belive but to tell you the truth again, you were NOT funny but very offensive...

Concerned Expatriate

Sun, 06/20/2010 - 00:18

@Doode:This article about the Cairo zoo has offended many animal lovers around the world:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/06/cairo-zoo-offers-time-ins_n_164...

Alaily

Sun, 06/20/2010 - 21:41

@Doode: Not funny I get (sorry, Concerned Expatriate), but offensive? I mean come on! Chill mate..
On a side note, another awesome Koshary article! Keep them coming! :D

Shiro

Mon, 07/12/2010 - 15:10

I am warning you guys .... if Magdy gets any chance to cross the border he would never return!!!

A number of sources confirmed hearing him say: yabo elamgad maho bardo keda a7san men el3oom le atalia

idiot-of-the-sky

Sat, 08/21/2010 - 05:38

If you wear that gold hat with the blue stripes it should protect you from all the attacking animals. Then parry with the hook thing.

The true lion, not Magdi

Thu, 09/23/2010 - 10:36

I agree with Shiro, if the Egyptian gov't left our tamed lions to get out of the borders, they would never come back. I think we have to let our elephants to engage in this war, but we are required to give every elephant a cell phone because if his mom worried, she can talk to him from the zoo directly without asking Ahmed Aboul-Gheit, the Foreign Minister of Egypt, to give her a daily report about her elephant. Don't forget that Aboul-Gheit is busy to collect money. Good luck Egypt!

Anonymous

Sat, 03/19/2011 - 22:34

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