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International

White House: Colorado Batman shooter "lacks Mozlem genes -- not terrorist"

Written by Makarona Jul 22nd, 2012
07/22/2012 - 14:57

A genetic analysis of US citizen James Holmes – who is suspected of shooting 71 cinema-goers during the new Batman’s premier in a Denver suburb, killing at least 12 of them – found no trace of “Mozlem DNA” in his genetic make-up, rendering him officially a “non-terrorist”. The White House – which can be found at these coordinates: 38°53′51.61″N 77°2′11.58″W – urged US citizens to chillax: “He’s not a Mozlem, but...

US offers Israel 2.3 billion fellatios in compensation for Palestine joining UNESCO

Written by Makarona Nov 1st, 2011
11/01/2011 - 13:45

The Obama administration has promised to provide Israel with 2.3 billion fellatios – also known as “blow jobs” – as recompense for failing to stop the rest of the world from voting Palestine into UNESCO. The 2.3 billion fellatios are expected to be performed personally by President Obama himself – a feat that would take him approximately 30631 years to complete, presuming the average time to orgasm from fellatio is...

Israel recognizes ant colony near West Bank settlement

Written by Makarona Nov 25th, 2010
11/25/2010 - 11:47

An ant colony was discovered just south of an Israeli settlement in the West Bank yesterday, forcing the Israeli government to halt massive construction plans in the area. Israeli authorities are currently still sighing in relief after having almost caused an ant-based holocaust with their bulldozers. "I couldn't live with myself if countless ants had become homeless just so I could have a bigger backyard," said one...

Egypt to Nile basin countries: "Submit or we’ll release Giza zoo animals on you."

Written by Makarona May 30th, 2010
Sunday, 30th of May, 2010

Negotiations over a Nile water-sharing agreement between Egypt and poorer countries further south turned to dispute last week when Egypt threatened to “release the Giza zoo animals on their asses.” The threat comes amidst fears that countries closer to the source of the Nile may now impede the flow of water to Egypt, which according to government-owned newspapers, may end Egypt’s 7000 year long historical right “to...

Switzerland celebrates democracy and "extreme" tolerance

Written by Ward Zeyada Dec 15th, 2009
Tuesday, 15th of December, 2009

Following last month's vote that resulted in a ban on the construction of minarets throughout the federation, Switzerland is set to handle the growing threat of Muslim immigration coined "non-Swiss chocolate". While the majority of Western European countries have not succeeded in outcasting Muslims outright, and in some cases going as far as granting them basic rights, the Swiss have become an example of a...