Monday, 19th of August, 2019
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Aries (Mar21/Apr20)
You have no idea what you want to say. You will give confusing disparate directions, and you will explain things poorly and be misunderstood. Your quiet voice will gather like dust in corners. Yes, this month will be just like all the ones before.

Taurus (Apr21/May21) 
You may have guessed the ending of Harry Potter, but even an established predictor as yourself cannot foretell what your stars hold for you this month. Muhahahahahah!

Gemini (May22/June21)
Your stars will communicate to you through your computer. Expect a slow boot up and several error messages. If your PC freezes, be sure to add an extra layer of clothing before going out. 

Cancer (June22/July23)
Beware of female Virgos this month. They like to seem innocent, but with cheap artificial hymens now available from China, you just can’t trust them.

Leo (July24/Aug23)
Your zodiac has always left you disposed to racism, but this summer sees the descent of Jupiter leaving you finally able to shake hands with your Nubian bawab. If you are a Nubian bawab, you may finally acknowledge Indian residents in the building. If you are an Indian resident, this will be an uneventful month for you. 

Virgo (Aug24/Sept23)
For some reason, friends are always asking for your opinion. You are arrogant and oblivious of the dangerous nature of your own advice. Yet somehow, your stupidity is applied more often than you know or are credited for.

Libra (Sept24/Oct23)
It’s true, money can’t buy love. It can, however, buy inflatable dolls. Consider this while you continue to sulk in a state of petty loneliness this month. 

Scorpio (Oct24/Nov22)
Few other star signs can match your ability to repress memories and secret desires. Congratulate yourself as you have mastered the secret of true happiness.

Sagittarius (Nov23/Dec21)
As Mars copulates from a distance with Saturn this month, prepare yourself for a massive acne outbreak. Eating Big Macs on a daily basis will help ease the flare up as well as any ensuing ugliness.

(This horoscope has been brought to you by McDonald’s).

Capricorn (Dec22/Jan20)
Take a break. You need to chill the *%#! out! There is magic in hallucinatory drugs. Doing as little as possible is the perfect way to let everything slip into disarray. When you feel like you must move, let the shroom be your guide instead of that long to-do list.

Aquarius (Jan21/Feb19) 
A friend's recent demise over a longstanding debt inspires you to look at your own life. Fear is contagious, so it's only fitting that you're considering a chapter of self-exile. The omens are with you.

Pisces (Feb20/Mar20)
As Saturn continues to rise, expect your libido to continue to fall. Don’t bother with Viagra. If you are female, try sacrificing a cat on the next full moon.