Wed, 10/21/2009 - 02:50
“No longer will we electrocute your nipples to find out who you stole bread from,” boomed a smiling spokesman from the Ministry of Human Rights to the Egyptian masses in Tahrir Square.
In an unprecedented move of sheer reformation, Egyptian authorities have announced a complete ban on torture techniques used to extract false admissions from citizens.
The spokesman, strangely named Mosso Leeni, continued: “The days of using sticks to sodomize unlikely suspects till they say ‘You my daddy’ when interrogators ask them ‘Who’s your daddy?’ are over! You can all unclench now!”
Torture had been widespread and in systematic use in Egypt (see below). Currently, sighs of relief can be heard all across the nation, with ex-convicts praising the government for its mercy. One such example is a journalist who spent the first half dozen years of the 21 century in prison for misspelling the president’s name. However, the tongue-less, one-eared, one-eyed, half-nosed, un-nippled and castrated journalist, called Faqid Halama, had trouble expressing his praise, though his toothless smile conveyed more words than his tongue ever could have.
Likewise, American resident Ahmed Shams, who was outsourced to Egypt for torture from the US for being “suspiciously tan”, expressed his relief that at least now he would be sent to some other North African country where, he says, “I hear torturers use lubricant before, you know …”
Yet, is it possible that the prevalent relief is misplaced? Controversy abounds over the government’s new, and indeed, eccentric methods of extracting information from suspects. These include making suspects drive into Cairo using the 26th of July Corridor, El Mehwar, at 5 pm daily, until they give up the information, as well as detaining them in dark rooms and making them listen to Amr Diab music. The secret project that led to the discovery of these techniques is codenamed “Welcam to Ejibt”.
Such methods have already proven incredibly successful in trials, with suspects spilling out everything they know within the first hour of experiencing El Mehwar traffic.
Amnesty International, however, has called the techniques a vile and inhumane attempt at disguising torture using new-fangled tricks. “Anyone who has ever driven on El Mehwar during rush hour would gladly give up a body part if it meant they wouldn’t have to do it again,” said the international NGO’s report.