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President Morsi attempts to "get his shit together"

Rumours abound that the president is taking certain English expressions quite seriously.

| Written by makarona

Sun, 04/28/2013 - 15:03

After nearly a year of severe mismanagement, President Morsi told CNN's Christiane Amanpour in an interview last week that "Egypt will combile its faeces togezar" -- using an amusing twist on the expression relating to getting organized and thinking straight.

However, since then, staff at the presidential palace have reported that an awful stench has been emanating from the president's private study.

"Every morning this past week I have seen the president enter his study with a roll of toilet paper," one of the palace staffers told EKT. "He does not allow anyone inside but I think this is where he is pooling together his morning caca."

Many analysts now believe the president may have taken the expression "getting one's shit together" literally.

Christine Lagarde, president of the IMF, told EKT she was very distressed to hear about the president's rumoured new habit.

"My office may have inadvertently suggested to President Morsi to 'get his shit together' if he still wanted that $4.8 billion loan," Lagarde says. "But by that we only meant that he needs to cut subsidies and lower corporate taxes so that the wealthy can have enough spare money to give decent baksheesh to the poor, hence creating a 'trickle down' effect that can stimulate inequality and other indicators of a thriving economy."

While President Morsi's office has neither confirmed nor denied the rumour, EKT can confirm that Egypt's ministerial cabinet -- including all 35 or so ministers -- has now taken up the president's example by compiling their faeces together in a large bucket, arguing for a "radical approach to solving Egypt's many economic, social and political problems."

The Minister of Agriculture is reportedly an avid proponent of the measure, saying he hopes the bucket can act as fertilizer for innovative ideas to tackle the serious challenges facing the country. Prime Minister Hisham Kandil, however, is said to remain ambivalent about this approach, imploring all lactating women to keep their breasts away from the dumping site in order to avoid a mass diarrhea catastrophe.

In related news, President Morsi has responded to a statement by opposition forces that "Egypt will prosper under the Muslim Brotherhood when pigs can fly" by commissioning a team of geneticists to engineer a winged pig. It is hoped this will help sidestep a central obstacle to moving Egypt forward.

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