Mon, 07/04/2011 - 17:00
The newly structured National Security Agency – which has replaced Egypt’s State Security Investigations Disservice – has hired a team of left-wing therapists with questionable sexual orientations to rehabilitate former State Security tortures and help them find their “inner-child.”
The former tortures are currently undergoing an intensive program of meditation, crystal healing, and knitting, all the while focusing on trying to detect that inner voice of innocence inside each of us that reportedly says things like, “goooo” and “mamaa”.
Veteran torturer El Sayed Eshta says that while he has failed to detect any child-like voice inside him, he has lately began appreciating things like sunsets and cotton candy. “I also feel more in touch with my feminine side, you know?” he added with a drop of his wrist.
Zongar Zabbeer, a freelance torturer who also works part-time as Eshta’s assistant, told EKT that the therapy program has helped him a lot in dealing with the post-traumatic stress of having been a torturer for over 15 years.
“It’s not an easy job,” he said. “There’s nothing easy about being mean to people ya3ni, even if you are only lightly electrocuting their sensitive areas. Every night when I closed my eyes I would hear their screams and it just really affected my sleep patterns and quality of life. But now I sleep like a baby.”
A therapist involved in the program told EKT that currently the most effective technique to rehabilitate torturers was to get them into practicing light forms of S&M instead.
“Torture and sadomasochism are really quite similar if you think about it," she said. “In many ways S&M is like a nicotine patch for those trying to quit torture. Plus most of the men seem to enjoy getting dressed up in black, tight leather as well.”
However, the therapist also said that one of the problems with these “S&M healing sessions” was that they often got out of hand, with many of the torturers tending to escalate matters to include things like mutual electrocution while engaging in hardcore unprotected intercourse.
“But that’s okay,” said the therapist, “so long as it brings them closer to reuniting with their inner-child.”
Nevertheless, while the rehabilitation program is proving largely successful, many in the Ministry of Interior continue to call for its end.
“This is all a waste of time,” said one ministry official with a PhD thesis in fighting torture titled How to Turn a Blind Eye. “Egypt has long ago solved problems like torture, corruption, and even severe erectile dysfunction among members of the political elite, by simply turning a blind eye to the core issues."
Others have suggested merely reshuffling torturers to different governorates, hoping that a change in scenery might rectify their ways. This technique has already been effectively used with Egypt's formerly corrupt governors.