Mon, 06/11/2012 - 23:21
According to a TV advertisement by the Egyptian state, spies are cunningly collecting vital, national security-related information about local traffic jams and petrol shortages, and texting the intelligence back to their evil home governments. The consequences may be devastating.
EKT can now confirm that spies are, in fact, amongst us. Our reporters have uncovered that an anarchist activist with a patchy Revolutionary Socialist beard (a beard that is known to be at least 10.6% more dangerous than even the mustache-less Salafi beard) recently complained to a stranger about rising prices and the brutality of SCAF, along with SCAF’s preoccupation with female protestors’ hymen-intactness.
The stranger, an Israeli spy who apparently had not read a single local or international newspaper for over a year, promptly SMSed the sensitive information to his government, which itself had apparently not read a single mainstream news item related to Egypt for over a year. A report by Mossad – intercepted by our team at Koshary-Leaks – stated: “We now have every reason to believe that this priceless information leads to the conclusion that Egypt is wonderfully unstable.” Israel is now allegedly marshalling its nuclear arsenal to wipe Egypt out.
Worse than the prospect of total annihilation, however, is the fact that spies are collecting intelligence about Egypt that is tarnishing its image abroad. This has led to a diminishing of its global reputation from that of a largely backward, third world country riddled with foreign debt, corruption, extreme social segregation while being a haven for sexual harassment, to that of a largely backward, third world country riddled with foreign debt, corruption, extreme social segregation while being a haven for sexual harassment, as well as suffering from fuel shortages.
It is believed that this final piece of information may deal a death blow to the country’s lustrous reputation once and for all, encouraging Egypt’s many enemies to make snide, condescending remarks about it in international conferences.
On the flip side, according to the Ministry of Tourism, some 10 to 14 million spies used to visit Egypt each year, particularly to gather intelligence around the secretive Pyramids of Giza area and Red Sea Coast. This number has thankfully dropped over the past year.