Thu, 11/18/2010 - 14:00
In an unprecedented move towards democratic reform, Egyptian authorities have announced plans to have the nation’s first truly transparent parliamentary elections. The degree of transparency appears to be such that any proposals to have a fair election are being “openly and honestly” rejected.
“We are not going to play any more games with you,” said Magdy Mozawar, head of Egypt’s High Electoral Authority, but also owner of a small fake ID vendor off El Shawarby Street, Downtown.
Mozawar was speaking at a press conference where he added, “We are being straight up this time: we are going to commit electoral fraud at a very large scale as usual." Cheers erupted from journalists when Mozawar began chanting: "TRANSPARENCY! TRANSPARENCY!"
The Electoral Authority head later elaborated that it would in fact be “unfair to have fair elections.” He explained that, "Given that the chances of the National Democratic Party winning any seats would be incredibly poor in a truly fair election, such an outcome would, therefore, be unfair." He then coughed the words, "For the ruling party I mean."
Nevertheless, the transparency revolution entails new hope. For example, see-through cubicles will be constructed in each polling station, where monitoring judges will sit and “openly and diligently” mis-record votes and use names of deceased Egyptians in favour of the ruling party. Any ballots leftover after this process will be utilised to help combat the lack of toilet paper in government buildings.
Meanwhile, the interior ministry has issued its first ever “transparent” mission statement regarding the upcoming elections, where it unabashedly states: “Note that according to our honest intentions, anyone demanding their true voting rights outside polling stations may end up getting literally raped in the bum -- if you'll excuse our transparency.”
On the other hand, many hopeful parliamentary candidates are exploiting the move towards transparency in their electoral campaigns, with businessman Ahmed Bezz (of Bezz Steel) planning to run under the banner: “I am totally corrupt, but at least I’m honest about it.”
Other candidates plan to employ candid slogans like, “I am going to owe so many favours if I win, I doubt I’ll be able to do anything useful.”
Also, "I have a thing for sheep, may God forgive us all," is expected to be the basis of a few campaigns in some rural districts.
Currently, pundits are biting their nails as they speculate whether this wave of transparency will spill over onto the rest of the political arena. Indeed, rumours already suggest that one day soon it may become known when exactly the last time was that the head of the ruling party hit the disco scene -- a long-held state secret.
* In an attempt at transparency, EKT would like to admit that it is openly and unashamedly biased against Egypt’s current regime. We realize this means we’ve lost all credibility.