Wed, 12/23/2009 - 03:59
Still in the Intesive Care Unit at Dar Al Amal hospital and almost out of hope, a man known only as Taayim believes time is relative.
Mr. Taayim made the discovery in mid-air yesterday as he attempted suicide from the 6th of October bridge. He mumbled to an EKT correspondent through his body cast, "I was sitting in a taxi for five hours and we moved about one meter".
Witnesses say they saw an exasperated Mr. Taayim banging on surrounding cars as he attempted to squeeze through the spaces between bumpers and made a dash for the edge of the bridge. "No matter how fast I ran everything was moving in slow motion and when I got to the edge I didn't stop running," said Mr. Taayim with emotional sniffles and grunts.
Flinging himself from the bridge he had hoped to end the extreme boredom and futility of life he felt as time moved at a dying snail's pace. "It was a nano-second, one nano of euphoria, the sensation started in my crotch but..." Mr. Taayim suddenly drifted off apparently his heart had stopped. Luckily Mr. Taayim's mother was at hand and willing to explain to EKT that the sensation of euphoria didn't last as he hit the roof of a car on the second platform just below the suspended bridge.
It was another six hours before the emergency services eventually got to him. When he finally regained consciousness, he announced his discovery based on the traumatic comparison of the nano second of ecstasy sandwiched between the agony of the traffic before and the awful pain endured until emergency services reached him.
An official spokesman for Dar Al Amal, Dr. Mafeesh Feyda, revealed to EKT his reasons for optimism. "Given the growing number of patients suffering from failed suicide attempts due to over-clogged streets, hospital staff remain hopeful the theory of time relativity can still be proven. Mr. Taayim has died a "scientific martyr" and will enjoy a ceremonial burial with high-profile figures as soon as the traffic is reduced to bearable levels."