Monday, 20th of October, 2014
Subscribe to our feed RSS

Government Dismayed by State of Art in Egypt

Threatens to use force to make it more meaningful

| Written by EKT Team

Sat, 10/31/2009 - 16:16

“It looks like a brain damaged six year old drew this!” said the infamously controversial head of the Patriotic Art Committee.

Khallik Watani shouted these words while angrily looking at a three meter wide plain canvas boasting four purple squiggles and smudged bird feces. The modern art gallery harboring the painting was mysteriously burned down the following day after 60 state security officers publicly set fire to it.

“These are the days we live in,” said renowned contemporary artist Helmy Hassas, famous for exhibiting bits of his recently deceased wife’s corpse on his acclaimed series of plain orange canvases. “I had hoped to immortalize my wife through art literally,” explains Hassas.

However, Hassas and his peers may soon witness the end of contemporary art in Egypt if Watani gets his way. Watani is calling for "a return to more meaningful art" and has already succeeded in changing universities’ art curricula to emphasize the drawing of pyramids, tributes to the 6 October War and - lest critics accuse him of limiting the scope of art - also geometric shapes and even flowers.

“I won’t stand to watch someone who has the talent of a senile monkey call himself an artist”, said the furious Watani as he vigorously picked his nose, ironically using the outcoming dried nasal mucus to create an abstract masterpiece as he smeared it across his white shirt.

For students of the internationally recognized Ecole Des Beaux Arts of Shobra, Watani is a figure of increasing controversy.

Bakinam Shebeita, one of the many students who are extremely distressed at the new measures, shared her constructive criticism regarding the subject, "uf ba2a i don't understand ya3ni what do they waunt?"

On the other hand, some were in favor of Watani's progressive, modern thinking. “I was a fan of abstract contemporary artists like Monet,” says student Hamada El Ota, “but after listening to Dr. Watani’s arguments, I’m starting to realize that using art to express your inner most self freely is simply not what straight people should do.”

A contemporary poet

Sun, 11/01/2009 - 16:52

Headline: El Koshary implodes, instantly improving the quality of life for all literate, non-vegetarian mammals (including, but not limited to: humans, elephants, whales, and the noble platypus; I'm not sure what platypuses eat, but I'm fairly sure a starving Elephant, despite preferring grasses, would eat a steak if you gave it one).

Reports have surfaced today that El Koshary, which has long been editorially malnourished, has imploded from an apocalyptic lack of wit and the perpetual misuse of the comma. And because it uses words like 'lest'. And because, on occasion, its writers pretend to speak French. Or Italian. I wouldn't know the difference because the only language I speak is Truth (which has always been, and will always be, moderated in English).

An epitaph was discovered at the site of the implosion. It is printed, in its entirety, for the benefit of those few friends of the deceased (may they soon follow):

Here lies all of the imploded,
who should have been exploded.
We tried the best we could,
To write our stories good.
But we failed because we suck,
like an oil-covered duck--
Trying to swim.

A celebration will be held in every library country-wide this Tuesday.

Zamalkawy

Sun, 11/01/2009 - 23:39

To Contemporary "Boet": Thank you for reminding me just how lonely some people are. My advice to you: get a girlfriend/boyfriend. Or at least a friend.

Whatever

Sun, 11/01/2009 - 23:45

Hey contemporary poet. Nice comment! You’re such a funny non-vegetarian. Here’s a one verse poem for ya. It’s called “You’re a douche bag.”

You’re a douche bag.

That witty enough for ya?

Captain Egypt

Mon, 11/02/2009 - 03:38

@ A Contemporary Poet:

1. your message is full of errors, and it is very poorly written (grasses, one steak, redundant short sentences starting with And/Or, etc.)

2. The truth is....well, the truth! What's that got to do with any language? And are you seriously so ignorant and narrow-minded that you can't tell the difference between French and Italian? But you DO know they're two different countries, right?

3. I'm not sure how old you are, but if you're old enough to be using a keyboard and mouse, then you should know the difference between a bad poem, and an extremely lame one. Yours makes the lame ones seems highly intriguing and intellectual.

4. Everyone's been celebrating Egypt's first satirical news site, with positive reactions from all corners of the globe. You're the only sad loser who's jealous because you've failed to achieve anything worthwhile in your lone, miserable life. As Zamalkawy says, you should work on making your first friend, it might make you less of a worthless scum bag.

To the EK peops: Please keep doing what you do, and don't let meaningless morons like this lame non-vegetarian hold you back.

Amr

Mon, 11/02/2009 - 17:57

I am appalled at the response our contemporary poet received. How can you guys treat anyone like that? I am sure the editors of EKT are completely against this behaviour.

If you guys had any sense of being nice homo sapiens, you would have been nicer to people who have no friends. What a shame that this is the society we live in!

There are two important things I want to respond to 'Boet' (which I think is a beautiful nickname btw) about.

1. I am so glad that Koshary finally imploded. You see all these fat Egyptians walking around and it's all because koshary explodes in their stomachs. Now we can finally look forward to slimer and fitter Egyptians. We can finally stop hearing mo3aksat like "Ya Tallaga!" in the street.

I urge the EKT to investigate the change of behaviour of Koshary from exploding to to imploding and its full effects on the Egyptian population. I am sure the article would make an explosion in the Egyptian media. (No pun intended).

2. Would you be interested in collaborating on making a documentary for the discovery channel on how far you can push an elephant before it eats steak? Of course we would make the documentary in English lest anyone doubts our truthfulness.

but I must say I do object on your oil-covered duck metaphor.

There once was a duck
who 'Boet' thought would suck

Coz it was covered in oil
and wrapped in Aluminum foil

but jumped off the hook
and escaped the kitchen and the cook

and went for a swim
on an adventurous whim

other ducks made fun of it
because they thought it wasn't fit

but little did they know
the duck called them a hoe

then the oil helped it float
as it covered all of its coat

And it swam faster than all
because friction in the water made the rest fall

behind, while the oil helped our duck be more dynamic. Also not to mention that because it floats higher than the rest and air friction is less than water friction then the overall coefficient of friction was less, which means it goes faster. (Sounds like another documentary topic)

Ciao Tout el mundo.

A contemporary poet

Tue, 11/03/2009 - 18:00

Amr--

Your poem is very good. I want to tattoo it on my chest.

And to the rest--

Why is it that everything on this website is a joke except the comments? It seems to me like the comments section would be a perfect place to joke back. Consider it a fond, romantic play between people bored enough to write such things and those who are bored enough to read it.

If you read my response and thought I was being serious, you might want to re-evaluate the venue in which I've posted it. And maybe stopping hitting the booze so early in the morning.

And if nobody has yet informed you of such, please remember this for all your future verbal-vomits: telling me I need a girlfriend and calling me a douche-bag does not offend my sensibilities. Please, at the very least, pretend to say something biting.

I do, however, love you all, and thank you for reading those precious words I've written. I hope one day we can hug it out and be friends.

Until then, au revoir or adios or something like that.

Amr

Wed, 11/04/2009 - 06:05

Dear 'Boet',

I completely agree with you and you have my full support. You should definitely tattoo my poem on your chest. Which font would you use? I am sure EKT editors would agree to publish a picture of that (EKT, would you?).

Also your suggestion to hug it up might be a bit too bold for my taste, how about we talk about it first. I hereby call for the first Koshary Reader Meeting Group (KRMG) where we can come together and give the government a chance to arrest us.

Who's with me?

Razar

Sat, 01/23/2010 - 17:30

I am a secret governmnent oppressor.
We are all friends here. You can tell me of your insidious insider insurrection ittempts (the word should be "attempts", really but that's just not good alliteration now, is it?), and I vow to make sure that the governments' Violent-Death-Squads-of-Unimaginable-Bain-and-Torture are on the other side of Cairo so you are not unexpectedly burst in-on five minutes after the last person arrives...
Be sure to give me the exact time, date, place and names of all the people who are a part of your filthy traitorous organisation, and I will make sure that they disappear.
Errr.. i mean.. I will make sure that their records on our com-bay-yoo-ters, detailing their heinous crimes against our wonderful government will disappear. Not the people. Umm, yeah...
Hail Mubar....
I mean: Take care friends. I see you soon... Muahahahah..... err. Bye!

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.