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ISTIKRAR ... Now in Egypt!

This portion of EKT is brought to you by Pfizer: Pfizer introducing the new Istikrar -- for when life feels a little less than stable, enjoy more istikrar with Istikrar. Now in Egypt!

12/24/2012 - 15:18

Cairo speed bumps on trial for "impeding traffic"

Cairo speed bumps are set to appear in court for “impeding traffic” and “obstructing normal life”. These actions by the speed bumps have been deemed by some judges to violate Egypt’s current protest law, which states that protestors may be fined or jailed if they “impede traffic” or “obstruct normal life.”

It is unclear why Cairo speed bumps have appeared in such vast numbers in recent years, but what is certain is that the onset of their prevalence correlated positively with an increase in Egyptian protests and strikes starting 2008.

 “We believe the April 6th Movement may have entered an agreement with the speed bumps early on, encouraging the bumps to appear everywhere in order to frustrate people with the government,” says an Interior Ministry insider. If true, this suggests Egypt’s uprising may be the first in revolutionary history to be triggered by small protrusions in city roads.

Aagel!

El Koshary Today is brought to you with generous support from Aagel. Aagel: when you have to go, you just have to go!

03/31/2011 - 00:17

Egypt Our Daughter Not Mother

Earlier today a random dude announced that Egypt should from now on be referred to as our "daughter" rather than our "oum" or mother. The random dude decided after waking from a solid nap yesterday that it would be a more appropriate description as it implied "we would be helping it grow and bring it up. Right now it's more like we're looking after it, rather than it us." EKT could not independently verify reports the random dude has begun what he calls "a lifetime's work" of dubbing over or correcting all references to Egypt being our mom.

GUC Board and Administration Announce Protests

After an emergency meeting the German University in Cairo's (GUC) board and administration has announced an innovative approach to resist becoming merely another institution to "succumb" to popular demands. The board and administration will hold it's own protests to counter student demands. A spokesperson for the GUC said, "We have the right to make our voice heard too! We're just as fed up with the students as they are with us." The administration and board, a combined total of 21 old farts, decided they will sit-in at the entrance to the campus in order to obstruct students attempting to go to and from classes. If they still have the energy they will try "this marching business" and go around campus pumping their arms.

Anti-protest protesters poor at philosophy

A study has found that protesters holding protests against protests in Egypt have a poor grasp of basic philosophy, and particularly logic. These anti-protest protests, which have been mounting over the past two Fridays in Egypt, reflect the formidable challenge to be faced by whoever is responsible for Egypt’s education system after elections.

WikiLeaks: Top Egyptian official farted out loud during Clinton meeting.

According to a secret US diplomatic cable released by WikiLeaks, a top Egyptian official farted out loud during a meeting with US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in Washington. The unnamed official reportedly let one rip during an awkward moment of silence after he had asked Clinton whether she would be interested in having an affair with him as a way of getting back at her husband Bill, who had famously cheated on her with Monica Lewinsky.

When Clinton did not respond, the Egyptian official suddenly “passed gas extremely loudly” said the cable, thereby extending the already awkward moment of silence for a further ten seconds. Finally the official reportedly broke the silence by muttering something about the tight leather seats they were sitting on. Egyptian authorities criticized WikiLeaks for releasing the information, saying it threatened Egypt’s national security.

Egyptian martial art established

The notorious style of Egyptian street fighting has been formalized into an official martial art called Kung Fool (as in fool and tameya, apparently). The sport requires at least four combatants, whereupon two of them start screaming and thrashing their arms at each other, while the other two try and keep them apart.

Points are awarded on the basis of the variety of ways in which one furious combatant insults the mother and manhood of the other. If one of the restraining partners fails to keep his angry teammate within his grasp, the team is immediately disqualified, as this is ultimately a non-contact sport.

The only weapons allowed in Kung Fool are belts, though taking testosterone shots to help build up rage before matches is condoned. Depending on the theme of the contest, fights may take place in streets, bars and ahwas, outside of schools, but also anywhere else if an important football match just recently ended.

Book Readers declared "endangered species"

A new survey of the Egyptian population has revealed that Egyptian Book Readers are now considered an endangered species.

As with the species Sane Drivers, Book Readers were never a thriving species to begin with, although now they look poised to be completely wiped out as the species TV Watchers and Porn Junkies continue to dominate the population.

A captive breeding program has been underway for decades to try to increase Book Readers numbers, but so far these programs, or so-called “schools”, have totally failed.

Government to press on with "media crackdown"

Suspicions are high that authorities are tightening their grip on Egypt's independent media. The sentiment comes after the sacking of Al Dustour's outspoken chief editor and the cancellation of several satellite channels.

A source inside the interior ministry has told  EKT that the government secretively plans to x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x  x x x x x x x  x x x x  x x x x  x x x x  x x x  x x  x x x  x x x  x x x x  x x x x x x x  x x x x x x x x  x x x x x xx x x  x x  xx  x x x  x x  x x x x  x x x  x x  x x  x x  x  x

x x x x  x x x  x x x  x x  x x x x  x x x x x x x  x x x x x x x x  x x x x x xx x x  x x  xx  x x x  x x  x x x x  x x x  x x  x x  x x  x  x x x x x  x x  x  x x  x x  x  x  x  x  x  x xx x  x x x x  x x x x x x x  x x x x x x x x  x x x x x xx x x  x x  xx  x x x  x x  x x x x  x x x  x x  x x  x x  x  xx  x x x x  x x x x x x x  x x x x x x x x  x x x x x xx x x  x x  xx  x x x  x x  x x x x  x x x  x x  x x  x x  x  x

x  x x x x  x x x x x x x  x x x x x x x x  x x x x x xx x x  x x  xx  x x x  x x  x x x x  x x x  x x  x x  x x  x  xx  x x x x  x x x x x x x  x x x x x x x x  x x x x x xx x x  x x  xx  x x x  x x  x x x x  x x x  x x  x x  x x  x  x and that this will be the end of the internet in Egypt."

Google Finally In Arabic!

This portion of El Koshary Today is brought to you with generous support from: Google, finally in Arabic! Yes, we've had plenty of Arabic around Google for years but we always sensed we were missing something. Only now with our new logo can we finally proudly say Google in Arabic.

Wednesday, 10th of November, 2010

Public shocked at Al-Ahram’s potential bias

Egyptian citizens collectively gasped yesterday when it was revealed that the newspaper Al-Ahram may be biased. "Not only that," says EKT's Senior Media Analyst, "it may actually be pro-government."

The state-owned paper first came under suspicion when a 12 year old prodigy from Tanta realised that the daily pictures of Hosni Mubarak on its front page showed the president had not aged over the past 29 years.

The results have been devastating on public trust, with many readers now refusing to believe the information on cinema showings in the second page. A former Al-Ahram reader said, “I think Iron Man II showing at Renaissance Cinema is a subliminal advertisement saying that the current government, which rules with an iron fist, can bring about a cultural revival.”

Not everyone is convinced, however. "Hmmm," says Gahil Fashkh, “it just seems so far-fetched to think that a newspaper read by a million people each day would want to trick us like that. We need to accept that some people just age really well.”

Roba bikya gallops into digital age

The Roba Bikya guy recently announced he would begin to use Twitter to update fans on his changing location. Tired of the yelling and trying to compete with increasing noise levels in the capital, the Roba Bikya guy decided it was time to take advantage of the micro-blogging service.

NEW! The Pious Zeebeeba!

El Koshary Today is brought to you with help from: The Pious Zeebeeba. Available only at your local Tawheed w'al Noor store! Call now and receive a complimentary stick-on beard, built with the same innovative "real" technology. No two Zeebeebas are the same -- each is made unique with expert care and detail. So real it's unbelievable. Some restrictions may apply.

*Buyers must show ID to verify Muslim status. Some colors/styles available for women.

Tuesday, 9th of March, 2010

Government bans poverty

After years of deliberation, Egyptian authorities have finally decided to ban poverty. Any individuals exhibiting signs of poverty will now be made unavailable, and promptly removed from the Egyptian market. 

"We have been in negotiations with poor people for a long time," said a statement from the Ministry of Bad & Boor Beebol, "yet they have consistently refused to meet our demands and raise their living standards. This leaves us no choice but to ban them."

The ban, effective immediately, is expected to reduce Egypt's population by about 82%. Religious extremists, however, have decreed that the ban is blasphemous, noting that it will leave remaining Egyptians with no one to give alms to, a prerequisite for entering heaven.

Amazon Launches Kindle Aaraby!

This portion of El Koshary Today is generously brought to you with support from: Amazon Kindle Aaraby, complete with the new Ahram App. Get your daily dose of propaganda digitally - see your presidents' smiling face every day!

Monday, 1st of February, 2010

Egyptians officially rename Amsterdam

The city of the historical canals and parks is to take on a new name amongst Egyptians. The dear Dutch capital is now officially known as Emss.

As more and more young Egyptians dream of sex, drugs, and the ability to consume alcohol without feeling overwhelmingly privileged, Amsterdam has turned into a demo version of heaven on Earth.

"How can you use such a formal, up-tight name?" Said Tegeesh Ne3eesh, a professional hash consumer who dreams of implementing the famous Red Light District concept in the land of the Pyramids. "To be honest, every time I think of the cultural activities that my buddies and I engage in over there, I can't help but say Emsssss..." he shared with slanting eyes and an ear-to-ear smile of complete relaxation.

Indeed, Emss has a special place in every Egyptian man's heart. So much so, that some Egyptian tourists actually pass infront of the Van Gogh museum and Anne Frank's house on their way to coffee shops. For the more loyal visitors, the word Emss is always accompanied with the trademark smile, a wink and a gradual drop of the jaw, before drooling.

Cairo’s air pollution eases off

Air pollution in Cairo has improved in recent years, with one unknown but highly reputable expert saying: “It used to be that living in Cairo was like smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, but now it’s actually closer to just two or three joints a day.”

The cryptic analogy is due to a lack of concrete information on air quality in Cairo, where anywhere between 500 and 500,000 children are said to die each year from respiratory diseases. “It’s impossible to know the exact number,” says Samir Melawis, a spokesman for the environment ministry, “as there are only a few thousand of us working here for the ministry, and over 80 million to keep track of.”

Melawis suggests that if all Egyptians worked at the environment ministry, it would be easier to obtain better statistics. Regardless, the ministry does seem to be getting one thing right: “Now I don’t have to spend my money buying hash,” says one Downtown dweller, “I just to take a stroll around Talaat Harb when I need to unwind.”

Gad Announces Free Hunger Test

The classic red and white, every-food-you-could-possibly-think-of (and more) restaurant announced yesterday it would begin offering free hunger tests. In an effort to boost sales, Gad representatives confided in EKT that the "by far majority" of test results will be: "ga3aan very very","ga3aan fashkh" and "ga3aan moot". Conveniently, a Gad consultant will be on hand to suggest the best food option to alleviate the client's hunger levels. Plans are also underway to begin selling a Gad take-home hunger test which people could administer themselves in the comfort and privacy of their own homes.

Wednesday, 13th of January, 2010

Aazra' Forced to Close

Only one hour after it opened its doors to the public, Cairo's first sex toys store "3azra2" was forced to close. Apparently, Virgin Inc. caught wind of the establishment and sued the new store over its logo and signage.

Tuesday, 15th of December, 2009

Irish Egyptian Talks Fail

Late Thursday night leaders from the Irish Hooligans Syndicate (IHS) and their Egyptian counterparts, the Baltagy For Life (BFL) group, ended talks aimed at "collaborative strategic problem-causing before, during and after football matches."

The two groups were drawn together by what initially was hailed as mutual reasons to be furious for not making it to the 2010 World Cup. According to BFL insiders, the talks broke down when it emerged that the Irish believed they were unfairly beaten, whereas the Egyptian team was not, they just sucked.

Another BFL representative stated that collaboration had already proved futile, as every suggestion offered by the IHS entailed the consumption of copious amounts of Guinness beforehand – something the BFL frowned upon.

All EKT could get from the IHS was, "Yeh don’a ‘av yer ‘art innit ar’ dey."

Restaurant Owner Removes Green Salad from Menu

La Nota, a local, regional and international cuisine restaurant in Heliopolis, officially refrained from serving the green salad listed in their menu as of last Friday. “We Egyptians are very forgiving,” says Majid El-Masry, owner of La Nota Restaurant. “It’s one thing to overlook home-grown police brutality and general political tyranny, but we draw the line at being chased by Algerian hooligans in Sudanese streets. That’s just inhumane."

Taking the cue from his son, who threw away an old green T-shirt he owned, Mr. Masry then decided to stop serving their green salad after customers began questioning his allegiance.

“I am not a racist,” Mr. Masry concluded, “Those who know me can confirm that not a drop of prejudice runs through me. It’s just that Algerians have bad genes.”

The removal of the green salad is not La Nota’s first attempt to endear itself to the patriotic masses. Two weeks before the match the restaurant introduced a pasta dish served with red sauce on a black dish. It's called Om El Donia.

Arabic Pop hits Frisco!

The catchy tunes emanating from Cairo have become the latest rage in the predominantly gay Castro district of San Francisco. According to EKT correspondents on the streets beats from Mr. Amr Diab's unmistakable habiby ya nour el ein can be heard blaring outside shops like "The Clenched Buttock".

Observers speculate the sudden popularity of the music could be due to the fact that all songs sung by males always address male lovers. One excited shopper named Jonny declared, "oh i'm totally into it, when I listen to Abbas or Diab I totally feel like he's singing to meee!"

Egypt goes agnostic?

Spiritual skepticism has gripped the nation after days of intensive prayer for a final win against Algeria bore only disappointment.

“Our defeat can mean only one of two things,” said Sherif Shakak, “Either God does not care about football, or God does not exi- … oh my God I can’t even say it!”

For most ex-fans of the national football team (approximately 80 million), the real concern is that God might not care about football. “I could still worship God if I wasn’t sure about his existence,” says Shakak, “but a God who’s indifferent about football? Sa3b.”

Attempts by religious figures to quell the doubt via a nation-wide GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS campaign is proving futile. “That’s just another way of saying ‘none of this makes any sense,’” says a doubtful Shakak.

New Aviation Law for Egyptians

A rare genetic disorder common amongst Egyptians is known to be behind the nation’s deep dislike, indeed, inability, to stand in a line. The result? Even as an airplane touches the ground, Egyptian passengers will be involuntarily standing up to unload their carry-on baggage to ensure a minimal queuing time. But no more. New international laws now require all Egyptians to be strapped to their seats using straightjackets during take-off and landing.

The decree comes days after a man from Tanta asked an air hostess to “slightly open” one of the emergency exit doors so he could smoke a cigarette without disturbing the other passengers.

“This law is an insult to our passengers,” says Hatem Seoudi, an airline hostess for Egypt Air.

Man Sues West for Lack of "Shattafat"

Shady Tuztooz claims he’s suffered from an itchy bottom since migrating to Canada five years ago. The reason? “These dirty westerners don’t have a toilet hose!” For most Arabs travelling to the West, the lack of a toilet hose, or shataf, is usually the first direct culture shock they experience. But if Tuztooz gets his way, this may all change.

Tuztooz is using the International Court of Justice to sue all Western countries for not installing shatafat with their toilets, asking “how dare the West claim its constituents are ‘developed countries’ when they can’t even handle basic hygiene?”

If Tuztooz wins, he says he is willing to travel through Europe holding seminars on how to use the high water pressure device. “They will thank me for it,” he says while vehemently scratching his backside.

Egypt Denied Status Upgrade

According to an unknown but reliable source, Egypt’s recent
application to the UN for upgrading its world status from “developing”
to “emerging” nation has been rejected. Reasons for the rejection
included, “Egypt failed to apply within the specified deadline and
used ‘Libya’ as a reference,” and, “The only thing emerging in Egypt
is ‘democratic’ hereditary rule.”

Egypt, hoping to follow the likes of India and Brazil (at one time
also referred to as developing), has responded to the United Nations
Labeling Committee by saying, “We reject your rejection of our
application.”

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Thursday, 5th of November, 2009

"Christian" Elevator built in Shobra

Significant advances in technology, combined with the latest imported Chinese gadgets, have led to many apartment buildings' elevators playing prayers and verses from the holy Qur'an. The move has been welcomed by many, and has increased the number of veiled women in the country.

Guergues Mikhaeil Saleeb, who asked EKT not to reveal his religion, stated, "I believe there should be more equality between people of all faiths." He has therefore tweaked his building's elevator to play Coptic chants when in use, and Christian prayers when idle. His decision has inspired many in the community to do the same.

The entire Saleeb family, as well as many of Shobra's Christians, mysteriously disappeared soon after making the changes to their elevators.

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Tuesday, 3rd of November, 2009

Kids arrested for trick or treating in Maadi

Twelve children from the district of Maadi were arrested Halloween night for trick or treating. The minors were caught red-handed celebrating the pagan festival as they moved from house to house demanding candy, while threatening to use “tricks” if it wasn’t handed over.

The children have been convicted of Satanism as well as the illegal impersonation of fantastical characters. “These impersonations could have led to public unrest and may have hurt the image of Egypt abroad,” said the convicting officer.

Among the treats collected by the children from Maadi residents was a half-smoked joint, an empty can of Sakara Gold, and, most disturbingly, a Britney Spears doll. The kids now have the choice of spending their teens in prison, or publicly renouncing Halloween and all other satanic practices.

EKT in the Press

El Koshary Today has been featured by the Economist:

Saturday, 31st of October, 2009

Leading cause of stress for Egyptians found

A new study by the Truth Finding Association has revealed that the leading cause of stress among Egyptians is “being in touch with reality.” The finding has led the Ministry of Health to encourage citizens to “consume small portions of magic mushrooms with their morning coffee.”

A ban on any meditative practices that may lead to increased concentration levels or a higher awareness of reality has also been issued. Construction workers, stockbrokers and others in high stress jobs are asked to consume marijuana at moderate doses while working to avoid too much direct contact with reality.

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Wednesday, 28th of October, 2009

Ahram Website Inspirational

Carrefour makes unbeatable offer!

Carrefour is making a controversial new offer on all its items, with banners all around the mega supermarket advertising: Buy 3 for the price of 3!

That’s right! Shoppers at Carrefour can now buy any three items for the same price of only three of those same items. Mystery shrouds how the franchise is covering the large costs of the offer, and some analysts speculate that this is the beginning of the end of French chain.

“If they think they can keep this offer for long,” says a HyperOne spokesman, “they are kidding themselves.” Hyper One has already responded by its own campaign to lure back customers, offering any 3 items only for the price of 4. “Beat that, Carrefour,” said the spokesman.

Breaking News Shatters TV Screens

Reports around the world of television screens shattering came shortly after a particularly intense display of CNN’s Breaking News notice last month. The notice appeared with such sudden vehemence, interrupting a pre-recording of Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room, it has left pieces of glass in millions of unsuspecting living rooms from Australia all the way to the International Space Station.

It is as yet unknown what the breaking news constituted, as the production room initiating the notice has been held hostage by Wolf Blitzer for interrupting his program. Blitzer has had a history of emotional instability, and has been spotted several times howling at a full moon as well as threatening to bite Jonathan Mann.

Chain Mail That Actually Works!

Rumors have recently been sweeping through the internet of a chain mail that internet surfers have been claiming "actually works!"

Virtually every internet user has experienced the annoyance of receiving chain mail that falsely asserts that if they forward it along to five, 10 or 50 others, this or that will come to pass. The test of time, however, has proven them consistently untrue.

Yet, below we have attached a transcript of one chain mail that has caught the cyber realm by fire, and it does actually seem to work:

"This is amazing! Forward this message on to five people and within 3 minutes, absolutely nothing will happen! I tried it twice, and it worked BOTH times! This really works!"