Friday, 27th of January, 2012
Cairo speed bumps are set to appear in court for “impeding traffic” and “obstructing normal life”. These actions by the speed bumps have been deemed by some judges to violate Egypt’s current protest law, which states that protestors may be fined or jailed if they “impede traffic” or “obstruct normal life.”
It is unclear why Cairo speed bumps have appeared in such vast numbers in recent years, but what is certain is that the onset of their prevalence correlated positively with an increase in Egyptian protests and strikes starting 2008.
“We believe the April 6th Movement may have entered an agreement with the speed bumps early on, encouraging the bumps to appear everywhere in order to frustrate people with the government,” says an Interior Ministry insider. If true, this suggests Egypt’s uprising may be the first in revolutionary history to be triggered by small protrusions in city roads.
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Earlier today a random dude announced that Egypt should from now on be referred to as our "daughter" rather than our "oum" or mother. The random dude decided after waking from a solid nap yesterday that it would be a more appropriate description as it implied "we would be helping it grow and bring it up. Right now it's more like we're looking after it, rather than it us." EKT could not independently verify reports the random dude has begun what he calls "a lifetime's work" of dubbing over or correcting all references to Egypt being our mom.
Candidates running in Egypt’s ongoing parliamentary elections are randomly assigned identifying symbols to help illiterate voters find them in the voting lists on election day. The symbols normally feature mundane objects such as an apple, bicycle and radio. The images below were recently compiled by the BBC. What the BBC and other news sources failed to highlight were a handful of other less than savory symbols assigned to many of the...
The Obama administration has promised to provide Israel with 2.3 billion fellatios – also known as “blow jobs” – as recompense for failing to stop the rest of the world from voting Palestine into UNESCO. The 2.3 billion fellatios are expected to be performed personally by President Obama himself – a feat that would take him approximately 30631 years to complete, presuming the average time to...
Intelligence reports from the Egyptian National Security Agency have revealed that “invisible hands” were yet again behind another bloody night in Cairo. During a peaceful demonstration of Copts demanding their rights, the hands apparently hijacked a large armoured military vehicle and – while apparently sober – ran over several Coptic protesters. Information Minister, Kalami Fasya, stated that “...
State TV broadcast live footage yesterday of the first meeting between the Supreme Council of the Armed Forces (SCAF) and newly appointed "Wisdom Advisor" Yoda. It remains unclear why Yoda has decided to join the dark side of the force at this time. Questions are also being raised about how the...
The newly structured National Security Agency – which has replaced Egypt’s State Security Investigations Disservice – has hired a team of left-wing therapists with questionable sexual orientations to rehabilitate former State Security tortures and help them find their “inner-child.” The former...
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