Monday, 8th of February, 2010
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The city of the historical canals and parks is to take on a new name amongst Egyptians. The dear Dutch capital is now officially known as Emss.
As more and more young Egyptians dream of sex, drugs, and the ability to consume alcohol without feeling overwhelmingly privileged, Amsterdam has turned into a demo version of heaven on Earth.
"How can you use such a formal, up-tight name?" Said Tegeesh Ne3eesh, a professional hash consumer who dreams of implementing the famous Red Light District concept in the land of the Pyramids. "To be honest, every time I think of the cultural activities that my buddies and I engage in over there, I can't help but say Emsssss..." he shared with slanting eyes and an ear-to-ear smile of complete relaxation.
Indeed, Emss has a special place in every Egyptian man's heart. So much so, that some Egyptian tourists actually pass infront of the Van Gogh museum and Anne Frank's house on their way to coffee shops. For the more loyal visitors, the word Emss is always accompanied with the trademark smile, a wink and a gradual drop of the jaw, before drooling.
Air pollution in Cairo has improved in recent years, with one unknown but highly reputable expert saying: “It used to be that living in Cairo was like smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, but now it’s actually closer to just two or three joints a day.”
The cryptic analogy is due to a lack of concrete information on air quality in Cairo, where anywhere between 500 and 500,000 children are said to die each year from respiratory diseases. “It’s impossible to know the exact number,” says Samir Melawis, a spokesman for the environment ministry, “as there are only a few thousand of us working here for the ministry, and over 80 million to keep track of.”
Melawis suggests that if all Egyptians worked at the environment ministry, it would be easier to obtain better statistics. Regardless, the ministry does seem to be getting one thing right: “Now I don’t have to spend my money buying hash,” says one Downtown dweller, “I just to take a stroll around Talaat Harb when I need to unwind.”
Today, Egypt celebrates Police Day – a day that only traitors and other rational thinkers consider ironic in being an "enforced" holiday for both private and public sectors. Unlike Mother’s Day, which gives thanks to little more than a few ounces of milk and some “rearing”, Police Day shows gratitude to a group of men capable of going to extremes to serve Egypt’s citizens. Indeed, not only are the police always willing to give us street...
The 7th of January is normally Christmas for the predominantly Coptic Christians of Egypt, and more importantly an official holiday for the hard-working employees of the government. This time around, however, celebrations of the birth of baby Jesus have a special twist to them as the government has announced that the Christians of Egypt will be granted full citizenship, hence receiving a very...
Still in the Intesive Care Unit at Dar Al Amal hospital and almost out of hope, a man known only as Taayim believes time is relative. Mr. Taayim made the discovery in mid-air yesterday as he attempted suicide from the 6th of October bridge. He mumbled to an EKT correspondent through his body cast, "I was sitting in a taxi for five hours and we moved about one meter". Witnesses say they saw an...
As the Copenhagen Climate Conference comes to an inconclusive end, Egypt has stood out amongst the global community as willing to sacrifice its most beloved staple food, foul, in the name of combating climate change. “Foul is a menace to the climate,” said Farid Lafasya, head of the Forbidding...
Following last month's vote that resulted in a ban on the construction of minarets throughout the federation, Switzerland is set to handle the growing threat of Muslim immigration coined "non-Swiss chocolate". While the majority of Western European countries have not succeeded in outcasting Muslims...
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